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  • Tears Of Martyr - "Tales" 2013 / 2CD
    MASSACRE RECORDS
    GRAN CANARIA

    Tears Of Martyr - Tales Oh, wow – there’s a new Amberian Dawn record? I didn’t fucken realize that the line-up from "River Of Tuoni" and "The Clouds Of Northland Thunder" relocated to Gran Canaria and call themselves Tears Of Martyr now. For fucken reals, Berenice Musa sounds almost exactly like Hot Heidi Parviainen. Every once in a while there’s some guy called Miguel grunting too, but he’s as dangerous sounding as Mark Janssen. So, yeah. Chocolate milk grunts aren’t exactly scary when tiny-framed girls like Maysa Rodrigues sound like grizzly bear vocalist Sylvain Houde (ex-Kataklysm). Seriously, this sounds so fucken close to Amberian Dawn that I’m surprised that Tuomas Seppälä hasn’t sued these people yet. Tears Of Martyr apparently only know two sorts of gothic: the cheesy and the ultra cheesy one. Half of this record sounds like Amberian Dawn, and the rest sounds like early Epica. It’s all here, tho: galloping riffing, circus piano melodies and the sort of dance rhythms that the poppy variety of this once-good genre now relies on. Oh sure, it’s metal alright. The sappy kind of power metal that is upbeat and happy that it makes you fucken wonder why anybody can seriously call this "gothic" metal. Call it female-fronted all you want, cos this has about zero to do with gothic metal. It’s not Boob Metal exactly, but it is coming fucken close to the territory. I don’t know what the fuck it is with this band, but everything sounds like Tim Burton Metal to me. Especially that song "Golem" with its plinking synthesizer keys and orchestras. Oh yeah, the chorus is catchy as all hell, but so if syfillis – but you wouldn’t want to catch that either. Just fucken saying. Oh fuck you too, it’s all written exactly as good as you think it is, and the production isn’t too shabby either, but Epica is still around and so is Amberian Dawn. Excuse me while I don’t exactly fall out of my chair in excitement cos your piece of shit band sounds nearly identical. I’m not 12 years old anymore. Maybe your audience is, but that’s your fucken problem. I dunno. The more I hear of these bands the more interchangeable with each other they become. If you want some new chick metal band to get in good graces with your girlfriend, by all means, knock yourself out. I have heard enough of this sappy shit to last me a fucken lifetime. I could be doing something else right now. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or sending sweet messages to my Italian inamorata Vera Clinco. No. Instead I’m listening these "Tales". Fuck you too!

    www.massacre-records.de; www.facebook.com/pages/Tears-of-Martyr/86164698467; www.tearsofmartyr.comFlemming Gabin / 6 Szukaj więcej o Tears Of Martyr

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