2013 / 1cd Contagion Records UK
There used to be a time when British death metal bands sounded, you know, fucken British. The UK, the land of big fucken tits, is known for a lot of things, but good death metal is generally not among them. At least not in the last decade and a half or so. Depraved Plague (yeah, very original - was Abnormally Large Aureolas taken?) is yet another UK band sounding more like a particularly fucken retarded USDM band. It was also released on Contagion Records, which should have any fucken sensible person running to the hills. Next to surprising the world with the fucken shittastic Meat Train there's one more fucken signing on Contagion Records. Unlike the rest of you dumb fucks, I'm not holding my breath for it. "Systemic", despite its amateuristic layout, is actually pretty.... Uhm, decent? Not terribly fucken interesting, or anything - but decent, at least. There's a girl on bass guitar here too. You can even hear her fucken bass guitar. Yeah, like, for reals, and shit. Her name is Emma Davies, but I doubt she's related to the always very fucken naked Zoe Alexandra Davies - nor is her input as important as eternal goddess Jo Bench. We all need more Jo Bench in our lives. Just fucken saying. I'm not sure what the fuck to say about this other than this is yet another of those bands ripping off old Cannibal Corpse, or Suffocation. They are too necro, or stupid, to solo so don't hold your fucken breath to hear anything fucken interesting. They kinda remind me of that other stupid UK band Necrosis. Seriously, these two fucken bands should gig together as you can't tell their songs apart anyway. Usually there's a good reason when nobody wants to sign your stupid fucken band. A lot of times it is cos your piece of shit garage amateur hour fucken blows. Capiche? Anyway, so yeah, this record is out, and you can buy this shit if you still believe in that "support the underground" nonsense. It's bands like this that fucken killed the underground in the first place. Unlike the rest of you fucken assholes I have better stuff to do. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or wondering how the Staceys (Poole and Massey) manage to walk upright.
2013 / 1cd Self-release Italy
Usually Italian metal, especially the “progressive” and power variety, makes me fucken run to the hills faster than you can say “Sawa Suicide has really big fucken tits”. Point me towards a good Italian metal band (surprisingly they do exist. Hey Vera!) and I’ll point you towards five that are absolutely fucken dreadful. All humor aside, Nümph is from Italy too, and they don’t completely fucken blow. I know, I was as surprised as you fucken assholes were. The band consists of nobody you ever heard of, and they describe themselves as “progressive rock n roll”. They name Pink Floyd and Soundgarden as most important fucken influences, which is always a fucken win in my book. The Floyd is great, dudes. Check em out today. “Theories Of Light” is a really breezy, light record that is mostly about fucken atmosphere than actually being metal, and they weren’t lying about the fucken Floyd influence, cos this has David Gilmour written all over it. You can ever hear the bass guitar, and it has an absolutely godly tone. Holy fucken crap, dudes. Oh yeah, now I hear where that Soundgarden edge is supposed to come from, some of the riffing has that grungy Seattle feel, and the singer really tries his best to pass himself off as a brooding grunge singer. Not that I’m complaining. I’d rather listen to a grunge record than to sit through another of your “fucken sick, and completely br00dle” slam bands, asshat. I can’t really say there’s a ‘Black Hole Sun’ to be found on this record, but I’m giving that a pass, this record is fucken ace as it is. Nümph, what does that even mean? Is it supposed to mean anything? I prefer a nymph myself. I could listen to ‘Dust Of Souls’ for fucken eternity. This is why I like to listen to Café del Mar or Buddha Bar. That fucken opening is grand. Holy shit. Oh wait. Actually the entire record is like that, and ‘Death and Rebirth’ totally opens with a modern day U2 melody. I’m not even kidding. So yeah, you assholes get the point. This isn’t very heavy, or brutal – not that I care for such things. It does have two things, two things that most metal records in about every genre miss these fucken days: songs, and atmosphere! I don’t give a flying fuck how many notes you can play, or fast you can sweep-pick or how fucken long your retarded drummer can gravity-blast… All that means shit to me, certainly if you couldn’t write a decent song if your pathetic piece of shit life depended on it. Nümph can write songs, and they do. For fuck’s sake, I can’t get enough of this shit. Odin knows that that doesn’t happen too often around these parts. So yeah, I better enjoy it while it lasts. Fuck you!
2013 / 1cd The Path Less Traveled Records USA
Chicago used to have a small but decent death metal scene back in the day, before the hipster and black metal crowds took over. Cokegoat are five bearded stoners and some girl you never heard of trying their fucken hand at stoner/doom metal, cos the world needed one more band like that. For fucken reals. Thankfully Cokegoat is lots better than all that stupid occult rock we’re getting so fucken much of these days. But not by much. Despite what the label might tell you, this sounds about, like, every other band in this genre right now, but I’m probably the only fucken one pointing it out to you assholes. ‘Buried In the City’ opens with a colossal riff that is equal parts Black Sabbath as it High On Fire (back when they were still good, and not high on suck). Oh yeah, this band has three guitarists, not that you’ll ever notice it, but the press leaflet can’t apparently get enough of that. Sure, this is pretty tolerable stuff, but when you heard “The Art Of Self Defense” and any of Neurosis’ early folky material, but you get more there than you’re getting here. Actually now that I fucken think about it, this isn’t all that different from that Drawers album I reviewed last week. Fuck, no. Maybe Drawers is a bit more uptempo, but that’s about it. “Vessel” isn’t particular bad, or offensively awful – but in a genre as fucken trendy and popular as stoner/doom metal, you need a lot more than some girl in your band, or some stupid gimmick to stand out. Everybody is fucken ripping off Black Sabbath and early High On Fire cos that’s the easiest thing to do. For fuck’s sake, try harder already. I am so fucken done with this genre right now. Sure, you emptied a keg of fucken beer, and smoked a ton of ganja when you were fucken writing this album – who gives a flying fuck?! Exactly how much more of this shit do we need? What was the game plan here, fellas? Selling ten copies, and then collectively forget that you released a stupid record? By fucken Odin, I can tolerate a lot of crap, but this is pushing it. I’m not nearly drunk enough to find this enjoyable, or funny – and I could be doing better stuff right now. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or messaging some internet model. Anything but suffer through your interchangeable, redundant record. Congratulations, you were high on day, and recorded an album. Don’t expect me to fucken pat you on the back for a job well done. “Vessel” is okay, but this shit ain’t funny no more. That isn’t to say I fucken hate this record. It’s just very, very unnecessary, and a waste of time for anybody with a functional brain, or the least bit of taste. You wrote a good record, I’m impressed. Now leave me the fuck alone. Fuck you!
2013 / 1cd Inverse Records Finland
If there’s one thing I’ve fucken learned over the years of doing this whole music critic spiel is to never ever, under any circumstance, believe whatever clueless labels put in their press leaflets. Loath is from Finland, the land of Armi Päivinen, and Inverse Records (yeah, them, fuck you!) describes this band as “crust with a twist of grindcore and doom”. Now I have no fucken clue what drugs whoever wrote this was on at the time, but I’d like some of whatever the fuck it was he/she was having. Why? Cos the only thing I hear in “Total Peace” is the doom and the grindcore – wherever the crust is supposed to come from I dunno. Sure, the band plays faster occasionally, and the singer really goes nuts every once in a while, but does that make it crust? Hardly. Some of the riffs have that ancient hardcore/punk feel, but to label it crust for that is all sorts of fucken stupid. Oh sure, the singer totally sounds like old man Tompa Lindberg, and that’s the hot thing right now since At the Paycheck decided to reunite. That this is released on Inverse Records of all fucken things is the bigger enigma. Here I was fucken thinking that Inverse Records only signed the absolute fucken worst of the Finnish scene, and Loath is actually decent! Who the fuck knew… Why this is described as “crust with a twist of grindcore and doom” in the first place is a fucken headscratcher, cos this sounds like about every two bit piece of shit sludge/doom metal band on the scene right now. Put this in a playlist with Drawers and Cokegoat and you wouldn’t be able to tell the fucken difference between each. Not that Loath is fucken terrible, or anything – just redundant and unnecessary for the most part. Just another band that wants to be the next High On Fire, but at least Loath has the bright idea to do things a little differently. They use plenty of samples in their songs. What labels’ fascination with trends are I’ll never understand. Why do labels keep signing all these fucken sludge bands? Cos it’s the trendy thing to do right now, and you can easily sway a few hipsters and stupid kids into handing over their money? I can understand that, but that still doesn’t fucken justify it. So yeah, “Total Peace” isn’t exactly bad, but it isn’t exactly good either. It fucken exists and people can buy it if they are into that whole “support the underground” nonsense. I’d rather watch that catfight between Armi Päivinen and Veronika Toivokoski to be honest. I can tolerate this crap, but I’ll need more fucken alcohol if this is the direction we’re gonna in. Wake me up when all these stupid sludge bands died out. Unlike you I have better stuff to do.
2013 / split CD Ewiges Eis Records Grecja
Grecy z Order of the Ebon Hand nie należą do najbardziej pracowitych muzyków na świecie, ale dzięki temu każde ich nowe wydawnictwo jest godnym odnotowania wydarzeniem - tym bardziej, że zatwardziali wielbiciele sceny greckiej z pewnością doceniają ich nieliczne produkcje. Trzymam zatem w rękach split CD, który jest pierwszym przejawem aktywności Order of the Ebon Hand od ośmiu lat i jestem niestety nieco rozczarowany, bowiem jedyny kawałek, który tu dostajemy to tylko nagrany ponownie utwór "Behold the Sign of a New Era" z ich doskonałego debiutu z 1997 roku. Śmiem nawet wątpić w sens nagrywania tego numeru po raz kolejny, skoro, na moje ucho nie zaszło tu zbyt wiele zmian aranżacyjnych, a jedyna różnica leży w zasadzie w innym brzmieniu charakteryzującym się nieco lepiej nagranymi, wyraźniej zarysowanymi bębnami. W każdym razie jest to oczywiście jakieś przypomnienie o swoim istnieniu i równocześnie niezły reprezentant stylu Order of the Ebon Hand - czyli typowego dla połowy lat 90-tych, klimatycznego, ale surowego black metalu w stylu zbliżonym do wczesnego Emperor, z epickimi melodiami i archaicznymi, klawiszowymi tłami.
Drudzy na splicie Grecy to Akrotheism, o których muzyce kilka słów więcej możecie przeczytać w powyższej recenzji ich debiutanckiego krążka. Na tym splicie znaleźć możemy ich pierwszy utwór "Generation of Vipers", który, podobnie jak materiał na "Behold the Son of Plagues" zarejestrowany został w studio Devasoundz, ale miksami i masteringiem zajmował się Fotis z Septic Flesh, podczas gdy ostateczna produkcja debiutanckiego albumu miała miejsce w Necromorbus. Muzycznie utwór ten nie odbiega absolutnie jakościowo od tego co wypełzło na pełnoczasowym debiucie więc jeżeli nie macie jeszcze żadnego zajęcia komorniczego na koncie i po przesłuchaniu "Behold ..." poczuliście jakąś wyjątkową, ezoteryczną więź z tymi południowcami to możecie pokusić się o zdobycie tego splitu. Oczywiście nie warto, ale czego się nie robi dla lansu na prawdziwego podziemniaka?
2013 / 3cd Folter Records/Werewolf Productions/Paragon Records/Cursed Records Czech Republic
When I fucken received the promo invitation for Panychida’s latest offering, I felt the sudden urge to take that long overdue nap as this band described itself as pagan metal. That is, along with folk and slam-death metal, my cue to take a nap and wait till those bands go away. Anyway, these ugly men are from the Czech Republic and apparently have released two albums prior to this one. You’d be hardpressed to call this pagan metal cos a lot of the times this sounds like heroic and dark sounding melodic death metal, but that may be me. I dunno. What I do fucken know is that these guys at least don’t sound fruity, and remember that metal is supposed to sound dark and threatening. By Odin, there are still bands who remember that. Who knew… Most of the time this just reminds me of that Hungarian band Effrontery, or, like, what the fuck ever they are called. ‘Wayfarer’s Awakening’ is actually the most typically folk/pagan metal track on this album, by far – and the second half of the album actually picks up the fucken pace in that regard. It is as if the band woke up from drunken stupor one day and realized they were supposed to be pagan metal, and thus wrote three songs in the style. I don’t blame you fucks, pagan metal is stupid and silly. Grown ass fucken men and women dressing up as Lord Of the Rings extras. So seek the LARPer within thyself, and all that shit. Whatever keeps you away from me is good enough. I’m not nearly drunk enough to think of something funnier. Fuck you! Lay down that bong for a minute, and listen up. It isn’t as if there’s any standard in folk/pagan metal to begin with – how the flying fuck do you assholes otherwise explain the continued existence of beyond fucken awful labels like Stygian Crypt Productions or the fact that Folkearth continues to release albums? Or more importantly: why hasn’t Hildr Valkyrie taken her top off yet? Whatever keeps her away from a microphone, or recording equipment. I used to remember a time when folk/pagan metal bands were far and few, and the few of them were actually really fucken good. Thankfully Panychida is leagues better than most modern day folk/pagan metal bands. Thank fucken Odin these guys don’t play polka metal, or drunk Viking music, or, like, what the fuck ever is popular with stupid kids and hipsters. "Grief For An Idol" is a solid record, you’ll like it.
2013 / 2cd Massacre Records Gran Canaria
Oh, wow – there’s a new Amberian Dawn record? I didn’t fucken realize that the line-up from "River Of Tuoni" and "The Clouds Of Northland Thunder" relocated to Gran Canaria and call themselves Tears Of Martyr now. For fucken reals, Berenice Musa sounds almost exactly like Hot Heidi Parviainen. Every once in a while there’s some guy called Miguel grunting too, but he’s as dangerous sounding as Mark Janssen. So, yeah. Chocolate milk grunts aren’t exactly scary when tiny-framed girls like Maysa Rodrigues sound like grizzly bear vocalist Sylvain Houde (ex-Kataklysm). Seriously, this sounds so fucken close to Amberian Dawn that I’m surprised that Tuomas Seppälä hasn’t sued these people yet. Tears Of Martyr apparently only know two sorts of gothic: the cheesy and the ultra cheesy one. Half of this record sounds like Amberian Dawn, and the rest sounds like early Epica. It’s all here, tho: galloping riffing, circus piano melodies and the sort of dance rhythms that the poppy variety of this once-good genre now relies on. Oh sure, it’s metal alright. The sappy kind of power metal that is upbeat and happy that it makes you fucken wonder why anybody can seriously call this "gothic" metal. Call it female-fronted all you want, cos this has about zero to do with gothic metal. It’s not Boob Metal exactly, but it is coming fucken close to the territory. I don’t know what the fuck it is with this band, but everything sounds like Tim Burton Metal to me. Especially that song "Golem" with its plinking synthesizer keys and orchestras. Oh yeah, the chorus is catchy as all hell, but so if syfillis – but you wouldn’t want to catch that either. Just fucken saying. Oh fuck you too, it’s all written exactly as good as you think it is, and the production isn’t too shabby either, but Epica is still around and so is Amberian Dawn. Excuse me while I don’t exactly fall out of my chair in excitement cos your piece of shit band sounds nearly identical. I’m not 12 years old anymore. Maybe your audience is, but that’s your fucken problem. I dunno. The more I hear of these bands the more interchangeable with each other they become. If you want some new chick metal band to get in good graces with your girlfriend, by all means, knock yourself out. I have heard enough of this sappy shit to last me a fucken lifetime. I could be doing something else right now. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or sending sweet messages to my Italian inamorata Vera Clinco. No. Instead I’m listening these "Tales". Fuck you too!
2013 / 3cd Self-released Polska
Nie wiem jak u Was, ale u mnie rok 2013 jeszcze się jak widać nie skończył. Pyorrhoea uraczyła nas w zeszłym roku nowym długograjem, na który przyznam się szczerze wcale nie czekałem. Brutalna prawda (bo tylko taka w przypadku tego zespołu może wchodzić w grę) jest taka, że po fajnym debiucie, dwójkę posłuchałem chyba tylko raz i powędrowała zbierać kurz na półkę. Tym razem jest jednak inaczej. Wprawdzie Pyo znów powala słuchacza od samego początku na łopatki najazdem bezlitosnej dywizji mocarnych, death/grindowych riffów - jest więc oczywiście bardzo konkretnie, bardzo bezpośrednio, jest świetny growl A.D.Gore’a, ale "I am the war" to już nie tylko pędzenie na pełnych obrotach do przodu na złamanie blastów. To powrót do bardziej chwytliwego, a jednocześnie bardziej surowego, grindowego grania - o wiele ciekawszego rytmicznie i rozwiniętego koncepcyjnie - mimo, że długości utworów dalej oscylują w okolicach dwóch i pół minuty. Można też doszukać się różnych ciekawych smaczków - takich jak choćby marszowy, rwany motyw w tytułowym utworze, gdy wokalista cedzi dobitne "we-con-quer-your-ter-ri-to-ry" i czujesz wtedy jakby defilada piechoty sprężystym krokiem przemaszerowywała przez Twój pokój. Zdecydowanie największe zaskoczenie pojawia się jednak w połowie albumu - w siódmym na liście utworze zatytułowanym "Filth" chłopaki z Pyorrhoea po raz chyba pierwszy w historii tego zespołu tak odważnie sięgają bowiem po… melodie. Nie, wcale nie przemycone gdzieś tam w tle - to jest świadome sięgnięcie pełnymi garściami po melodyjny death o goeteborgskiej proweniencji, które dominuje w zasadzie tylko w tym utworze, ale jako przełamanie całego albumu zagrało to znakomicie. Czy to jest jakiś drogowskaz przyszłego rozwoju muzyki Pyo? Tego nie wiem, ale na pewno jest to znak, że Cyprian z kolegami nie mają teraz większych oporów przed odrzucaniem brutal death/grindowego konformizmu i odważnie wkraczają w rejony, które u ortodoksów mogą jeżyć włos na głowie. I to mi się bardzo podoba.
2013 / 1cd Devil's Clause Records Wielka Brytania
Brutalny death/thrash w tym wydaniu bardziej wypieszczonym - z wypolerowanym zębem - jak można by nie krzywdząc nikogo powiedzieć. Wystrzeliwane z prędkością karabinu maszynowego, ostre, thrashujące riffy przetykane są albo równo staktowanym, deathowym mieleniem, albo komputerowo precyzyjnymi blastami. Teoretycznie jeden wokalista dwoi się i troi na nakładających się często na siebie ścieżkach w rozmaitych rejestrach - od wściekle plującego growlu po prawe hardcore’owy, napinający muskuły, potok wokalnej agresji, a bębniarz wymierza przy tym precyzyjne co do milisekundy gęste razy. Brzmi to wszystko jak nagrane w Hertzu zderzenie szwedzkiego death/thrash z nowszym obliczem Slayer i jakimś deathowym drugoligowcem i brzmi to wszystko o włos za plastikowo. Co do samych pomysłów na muzykę to Brytole doskonale zdają sobie sprawę kiedy zaczynają nudzić i wiedzą kiedy przełożyć wajchę prędkości na inne rejestry - czasami nawet proponując coś zbliżonego do thrashowej ballady, jak w "Dystopic Visions", ale, jak na mój gust, jest to wszystko jednak zbyt programowo porządne, do bólu profesjonalne, a za mało wyraziste. Krótko po wydaniu tego krążka zespół zawiesił swoją działalność i nie mogę się oprzeć myśli, że chyba miał z tego być podręcznikowy sukces, a wyszedł podkolorowany w photoshopie średniak.
2013 / 1cd WormHoleDeath Records Włochy
Raging Age pochodzą z bardzo malowniczej miejscowości Bari położonej w południowych Włoszech nad Adriatykiem. We wspaniałych okolicznych jaskiniach, w latach 60-tych Riccardo Freda, ojciec włoskiego horroru, kręcił do swojego "Maciste all’inferno" ujęcia mające ukazać wnętrze piekła, po którym wędrował główny bohater - muskularny Maciste. Wspominam o tym bo trochę żałuję, że młodzieńcy z Raging Age nie sięgnęli do tych mrocznych inspiracji. Co prawda w ich lirykach przewijają się elementy śródziemnomorskiej mitologii, a wytwórnia podciąga ich muzykę pod death metal, ale prawda jest taka, że jest to ten rodzaj ciężkiego grania, gdzie na pierwszym miejscu stawia się ‘groove’, ciężki, ale płytki łomot z wyrównanymi blastami i niesamowicie rozmydlone melodie najgorszego sortu - czyli takie, które ani nie są chwytliwe, ani nie wprowadzają żadnego sensownego klimatu. Jest to typowy przykład totalnego rozminięcia się niezłych umiejętności technicznych z talentem do tworzenia ciekawej, ekstremalnej muzyki. Przypomina mi to choćby nasze krajowe Enter Chaos - czwórka Włochów podobnie przekombinowuje ze strukturami, podobne sili się na agresję produkując nadmiar mniej lub bardziej brutalnych, ale kompletnie nie zazębiających się w solidną całość riffów, mają podobnie nieciekawie growlującego frontmana i podobnie grzęzną w zamulonej, melodyjnej nijakości. Czasami zahaczają o bardziej progresywne rejony z lekko połamanymi strukturami, pojawi się odrobinę bardziej zachęcający kawałek solówki, ale to wszystko za mało. Męczę się słuchając tej płyty, doszukując się na siłę pozytywów. Przycisk ‘stop’ kusi coraz bardziej....
2013 / 1cd Lacerated Enemy Records Italy
Boy, this is some well-played Death Metal. Similar to Behemoth around the time the band was converting to Death Metal, Hiss from the Moat plays that with the modern added brutality and speed. Damn the drummer is fast. The way his feet are moving, you can’t and shouldn’t try to race him or chase him for anything. He’s fine where he is. He also plays in Hour of Penance.
The music has its own boundaries, a niche of some sort that the band has created for itself. There’s hardly anything shocking here except for the speed and precision. If you’re fine with this, you won’t leave this for your mom. Within that sound, it blends the exotic touches and a wee atmosphere comparable to Lykathea Aflame. And that drumming is just orchestrated collapse of civilizations.
Italian Death Metal is right up there where my hands can’t reach. Being a short album, you’ll have to reach for the repeat button though – “Misanthropy” warrants that much. It’s seriously impeccably played, with style, taste and speed of course, and there’s that drummer too.
2013 / 1cd Headless Horseman Records New Zealand
Doesn’t each country have one of these by now? In Sweden they have Bewitched and Nifelheim, in Finland there’s Barathrum, Belgium had Demonizer and North America has Skeletonwitch. Drunken heavy/black/thrash metal that gets by more on energy than actual songwriting or, you know, skill. “Into the Alcoholic Abyss” sounds exactly like every one else, but in a subgenre that has been stagnant since its creation – I suppose that’s hardly a fucken fault. At least Pervertor is better and more energetic than Bullet Belt, who are on the same label. The vocals are pretty fucken intense too. Acidic and extremely one-dimensional, but at least they are good. Apparently this band is made up of two brothers with Casey and Shaune Gallagher, which is about where the novelty (haha) with this act ends. I’m not fucken certain how the New Zealand scene is these days, but if Pervertor is any indication it isn’t much to write home about. There’s no way in fucken hell I could possibly tell these songs apart, and the drummer only seems to play one beat for the duration of the album. Either way, this record has a great schwung and a traditional metal backbone, but that’s about it. I can’t possibly fucken fathom anybody being impressed by this, stupid kids excepted. “Into the Alcoholic Abyss” sounds exactly as it title: this is pretty fun stuff when you are hung over and drunk, but once the fucken smoke clears and you sober up, it is not nearly as great as you remember it. Anyway, I’m sure Pervertor are fine folks with enough willing fangirls at their disposal, so it doesn’t really matter one fucken iota what I think about this record anyway, since the most of you have made your mind up any fucken way. This is tolerable stuff, but hardly the sort of thing I will ever listen to again if there are better options available.
Co za debiut! Jestem absolutnie zauroczony tym co zaserwowała ta norweska ekipa i absolutnie nie dziwię się, że Dark Descent nie zwlekała z kontraktem. Dotychczasowe doświadczenie muzyków Sover...
...co do saksofonu to był to przypadek całkowity. Bo idąc coś zjeść do miasta napotkaliśmy kolesia który na ulicy grał na saksofonie. Zagadałem do niego żeby nagrał nam jakieś partie i zgodził się. Oczywiście nie miał pojęcia na co się porwał, do tego komunikacja nie była najlepsza, bo okazał się być obywatelem Ukrainy i język polski nie był dobry albo w ogóle go nie było...
There used to be a time when British death metal bands sounded, you know, fucken British. The UK, the land of big fucken tits, is known for a lot of things, but good death metal is generally not among them. At least not in the last decade and a half or so. Depraved Plague (yeah, very original - was Abnormally Large Aureolas taken?) is yet another UK band sounding more like a particularly fucken retarded USDM band. It was also released on Contagion Records, which should have any fucken sensible person running to the hills. Next to surprising the world with the fucken shittastic Meat Train there's one more fucken signing on Contagion Records. Unlike the rest of you dumb fucks, I'm not holding my breath for it. "Systemic", despite its amateuristic layout, is actually pretty.... Uhm, decent? Not terribly fucken interesting, or anything - but decent, at least. There's a girl on bass guitar here too. You can even hear her fucken bass guitar. Yeah, like, for reals, and shit. Her name is Emma Davies, but I doubt she's related to the always very fucken naked Zoe Alexandra Davies - nor is her input as important as eternal goddess Jo Bench. We all need more Jo Bench in our lives. Just fucken saying. I'm not sure what the fuck to say about this other than this is yet another of those bands ripping off old Cannibal Corpse, or Suffocation. They are too necro, or stupid, to solo so don't hold your fucken breath to hear anything fucken interesting. They kinda remind me of that other stupid UK band Necrosis. Seriously, these two fucken bands should gig together as you can't tell their songs apart anyway. Usually there's a good reason when nobody wants to sign your stupid fucken band. A lot of times it is cos your piece of shit garage amateur hour fucken blows. Capiche? Anyway, so yeah, this record is out, and you can buy this shit if you still believe in that "support the underground" nonsense. It's bands like this that fucken killed the underground in the first place. Unlike the rest of you fucken assholes I have better stuff to do. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or wondering how the Staceys (Poole and Massey) manage to walk upright. 
Usually Italian metal, especially the “progressive” and power variety, makes me fucken run to the hills faster than you can say “Sawa Suicide has really big fucken tits”. Point me towards a good Italian metal band (surprisingly they do exist. Hey Vera!) and I’ll point you towards five that are absolutely fucken dreadful. All humor aside, Nümph is from Italy too, and they don’t completely fucken blow. I know, I was as surprised as you fucken assholes were. The band consists of nobody you ever heard of, and they describe themselves as “progressive rock n roll”. They name Pink Floyd and Soundgarden as most important fucken influences, which is always a fucken win in my book. The Floyd is great, dudes. Check em out today. “Theories Of Light” is a really breezy, light record that is mostly about fucken atmosphere than actually being metal, and they weren’t lying about the fucken Floyd influence, cos this has David Gilmour written all over it. You can ever hear the bass guitar, and it has an absolutely godly tone. Holy fucken crap, dudes. Oh yeah, now I hear where that Soundgarden edge is supposed to come from, some of the riffing has that grungy Seattle feel, and the singer really tries his best to pass himself off as a brooding grunge singer. Not that I’m complaining. I’d rather listen to a grunge record than to sit through another of your “fucken sick, and completely br00dle” slam bands, asshat. I can’t really say there’s a ‘Black Hole Sun’ to be found on this record, but I’m giving that a pass, this record is fucken ace as it is. Nümph, what does that even mean? Is it supposed to mean anything? I prefer a nymph myself. I could listen to ‘Dust Of Souls’ for fucken eternity. This is why I like to listen to Café del Mar or Buddha Bar. That fucken opening is grand. Holy shit. Oh wait. Actually the entire record is like that, and ‘Death and Rebirth’ totally opens with a modern day U2 melody. I’m not even kidding. So yeah, you assholes get the point. This isn’t very heavy, or brutal – not that I care for such things. It does have two things, two things that most metal records in about every genre miss these fucken days: songs, and atmosphere! I don’t give a flying fuck how many notes you can play, or fast you can sweep-pick or how fucken long your retarded drummer can gravity-blast… All that means shit to me, certainly if you couldn’t write a decent song if your pathetic piece of shit life depended on it. Nümph can write songs, and they do. For fuck’s sake, I can’t get enough of this shit. Odin knows that that doesn’t happen too often around these parts. So yeah, I better enjoy it while it lasts. Fuck you!
Chicago used to have a small but decent death metal scene back in the day, before the hipster and black metal crowds took over. Cokegoat are five bearded stoners and some girl you never heard of trying their fucken hand at stoner/doom metal, cos the world needed one more band like that. For fucken reals. Thankfully Cokegoat is lots better than all that stupid occult rock we’re getting so fucken much of these days. But not by much. Despite what the label might tell you, this sounds about, like, every other band in this genre right now, but I’m probably the only fucken one pointing it out to you assholes. ‘Buried In the City’ opens with a colossal riff that is equal parts Black Sabbath as it High On Fire (back when they were still good, and not high on suck). Oh yeah, this band has three guitarists, not that you’ll ever notice it, but the press leaflet can’t apparently get enough of that. Sure, this is pretty tolerable stuff, but when you heard “The Art Of Self Defense” and any of Neurosis’ early folky material, but you get more there than you’re getting here. Actually now that I fucken think about it, this isn’t all that different from that Drawers album I reviewed last week. Fuck, no. Maybe Drawers is a bit more uptempo, but that’s about it. “Vessel” isn’t particular bad, or offensively awful – but in a genre as fucken trendy and popular as stoner/doom metal, you need a lot more than some girl in your band, or some stupid gimmick to stand out. Everybody is fucken ripping off Black Sabbath and early High On Fire cos that’s the easiest thing to do. For fuck’s sake, try harder already. I am so fucken done with this genre right now. Sure, you emptied a keg of fucken beer, and smoked a ton of ganja when you were fucken writing this album – who gives a flying fuck?! Exactly how much more of this shit do we need? What was the game plan here, fellas? Selling ten copies, and then collectively forget that you released a stupid record? By fucken Odin, I can tolerate a lot of crap, but this is pushing it. I’m not nearly drunk enough to find this enjoyable, or funny – and I could be doing better stuff right now. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or messaging some internet model. Anything but suffer through your interchangeable, redundant record. Congratulations, you were high on day, and recorded an album. Don’t expect me to fucken pat you on the back for a job well done. “Vessel” is okay, but this shit ain’t funny no more. That isn’t to say I fucken hate this record. It’s just very, very unnecessary, and a waste of time for anybody with a functional brain, or the least bit of taste. You wrote a good record, I’m impressed. Now leave me the fuck alone. Fuck you!
If there’s one thing I’ve fucken learned over the years of doing this whole music critic spiel is to never ever, under any circumstance, believe whatever clueless labels put in their press leaflets. Loath is from Finland, the land of Armi Päivinen, and Inverse Records (yeah, them, fuck you!) describes this band as “crust with a twist of grindcore and doom”. Now I have no fucken clue what drugs whoever wrote this was on at the time, but I’d like some of whatever the fuck it was he/she was having. Why? Cos the only thing I hear in “Total Peace” is the doom and the grindcore – wherever the crust is supposed to come from I dunno. Sure, the band plays faster occasionally, and the singer really goes nuts every once in a while, but does that make it crust? Hardly. Some of the riffs have that ancient hardcore/punk feel, but to label it crust for that is all sorts of fucken stupid. Oh sure, the singer totally sounds like old man Tompa Lindberg, and that’s the hot thing right now since At the Paycheck decided to reunite. That this is released on Inverse Records of all fucken things is the bigger enigma. Here I was fucken thinking that Inverse Records only signed the absolute fucken worst of the Finnish scene, and Loath is actually decent! Who the fuck knew… Why this is described as “crust with a twist of grindcore and doom” in the first place is a fucken headscratcher, cos this sounds like about every two bit piece of shit sludge/doom metal band on the scene right now. Put this in a playlist with Drawers and Cokegoat and you wouldn’t be able to tell the fucken difference between each. Not that Loath is fucken terrible, or anything – just redundant and unnecessary for the most part. Just another band that wants to be the next High On Fire, but at least Loath has the bright idea to do things a little differently. They use plenty of samples in their songs. What labels’ fascination with trends are I’ll never understand. Why do labels keep signing all these fucken sludge bands? Cos it’s the trendy thing to do right now, and you can easily sway a few hipsters and stupid kids into handing over their money? I can understand that, but that still doesn’t fucken justify it. So yeah, “Total Peace” isn’t exactly bad, but it isn’t exactly good either. It fucken exists and people can buy it if they are into that whole “support the underground” nonsense. I’d rather watch that catfight between Armi Päivinen and Veronika Toivokoski to be honest. I can tolerate this crap, but I’ll need more fucken alcohol if this is the direction we’re gonna in. Wake me up when all these stupid sludge bands died out. Unlike you I have better stuff to do.
Grecy z Order of the Ebon Hand nie należą do najbardziej pracowitych muzyków na świecie, ale dzięki temu każde ich nowe wydawnictwo jest godnym odnotowania wydarzeniem - tym bardziej, że zatwardziali wielbiciele sceny greckiej z pewnością doceniają ich nieliczne produkcje. Trzymam zatem w rękach split CD, który jest pierwszym przejawem aktywności Order of the Ebon Hand od ośmiu lat i jestem niestety nieco rozczarowany, bowiem jedyny kawałek, który tu dostajemy to tylko nagrany ponownie utwór "Behold the Sign of a New Era" z ich doskonałego debiutu z 1997 roku. Śmiem nawet wątpić w sens nagrywania tego numeru po raz kolejny, skoro, na moje ucho nie zaszło tu zbyt wiele zmian aranżacyjnych, a jedyna różnica leży w zasadzie w innym brzmieniu charakteryzującym się nieco lepiej nagranymi, wyraźniej zarysowanymi bębnami. W każdym razie jest to oczywiście jakieś przypomnienie o swoim istnieniu i równocześnie niezły reprezentant stylu Order of the Ebon Hand - czyli typowego dla połowy lat 90-tych, klimatycznego, ale surowego black metalu w stylu zbliżonym do wczesnego Emperor, z epickimi melodiami i archaicznymi, klawiszowymi tłami.
When I fucken received the promo invitation for Panychida’s latest offering, I felt the sudden urge to take that long overdue nap as this band described itself as pagan metal. That is, along with folk and slam-death metal, my cue to take a nap and wait till those bands go away. Anyway, these ugly men are from the Czech Republic and apparently have released two albums prior to this one. You’d be hardpressed to call this pagan metal cos a lot of the times this sounds like heroic and dark sounding melodic death metal, but that may be me. I dunno. What I do fucken know is that these guys at least don’t sound fruity, and remember that metal is supposed to sound dark and threatening. By Odin, there are still bands who remember that. Who knew… Most of the time this just reminds me of that Hungarian band Effrontery, or, like, what the fuck ever they are called. ‘Wayfarer’s Awakening’ is actually the most typically folk/pagan metal track on this album, by far – and the second half of the album actually picks up the fucken pace in that regard. It is as if the band woke up from drunken stupor one day and realized they were supposed to be pagan metal, and thus wrote three songs in the style. I don’t blame you fucks, pagan metal is stupid and silly. Grown ass fucken men and women dressing up as Lord Of the Rings extras. So seek the LARPer within thyself, and all that shit. Whatever keeps you away from me is good enough. I’m not nearly drunk enough to think of something funnier. Fuck you! Lay down that bong for a minute, and listen up. It isn’t as if there’s any standard in folk/pagan metal to begin with – how the flying fuck do you assholes otherwise explain the continued existence of beyond fucken awful labels like Stygian Crypt Productions or the fact that Folkearth continues to release albums? Or more importantly: why hasn’t Hildr Valkyrie taken her top off yet? Whatever keeps her away from a microphone, or recording equipment. I used to remember a time when folk/pagan metal bands were far and few, and the few of them were actually really fucken good. Thankfully Panychida is leagues better than most modern day folk/pagan metal bands. Thank fucken Odin these guys don’t play polka metal, or drunk Viking music, or, like, what the fuck ever is popular with stupid kids and hipsters. "Grief For An Idol" is a solid record, you’ll like it. 
Oh, wow – there’s a new Amberian Dawn record? I didn’t fucken realize that the line-up from "River Of Tuoni" and "The Clouds Of Northland Thunder" relocated to Gran Canaria and call themselves Tears Of Martyr now. For fucken reals, Berenice Musa sounds almost exactly like Hot Heidi Parviainen. Every once in a while there’s some guy called Miguel grunting too, but he’s as dangerous sounding as Mark Janssen. So, yeah. Chocolate milk grunts aren’t exactly scary when tiny-framed girls like Maysa Rodrigues sound like grizzly bear vocalist Sylvain Houde (ex-Kataklysm). Seriously, this sounds so fucken close to Amberian Dawn that I’m surprised that Tuomas Seppälä hasn’t sued these people yet. Tears Of Martyr apparently only know two sorts of gothic: the cheesy and the ultra cheesy one. Half of this record sounds like Amberian Dawn, and the rest sounds like early Epica. It’s all here, tho: galloping riffing, circus piano melodies and the sort of dance rhythms that the poppy variety of this once-good genre now relies on. Oh sure, it’s metal alright. The sappy kind of power metal that is upbeat and happy that it makes you fucken wonder why anybody can seriously call this "gothic" metal. Call it female-fronted all you want, cos this has about zero to do with gothic metal. It’s not Boob Metal exactly, but it is coming fucken close to the territory. I don’t know what the fuck it is with this band, but everything sounds like Tim Burton Metal to me. Especially that song "Golem" with its plinking synthesizer keys and orchestras. Oh yeah, the chorus is catchy as all hell, but so if syfillis – but you wouldn’t want to catch that either. Just fucken saying. Oh fuck you too, it’s all written exactly as good as you think it is, and the production isn’t too shabby either, but Epica is still around and so is Amberian Dawn. Excuse me while I don’t exactly fall out of my chair in excitement cos your piece of shit band sounds nearly identical. I’m not 12 years old anymore. Maybe your audience is, but that’s your fucken problem. I dunno. The more I hear of these bands the more interchangeable with each other they become. If you want some new chick metal band to get in good graces with your girlfriend, by all means, knock yourself out. I have heard enough of this sappy shit to last me a fucken lifetime. I could be doing something else right now. Like getting insanely and obscenely drunk, or sending sweet messages to my Italian inamorata Vera Clinco. No. Instead I’m listening these "Tales". Fuck you too!
Nie wiem jak u Was, ale u mnie rok 2013 jeszcze się jak widać nie skończył. Pyorrhoea uraczyła nas w zeszłym roku nowym długograjem, na który przyznam się szczerze wcale nie czekałem. Brutalna prawda (bo tylko taka w przypadku tego zespołu może wchodzić w grę) jest taka, że po fajnym debiucie, dwójkę posłuchałem chyba tylko raz i powędrowała zbierać kurz na półkę. Tym razem jest jednak inaczej. Wprawdzie Pyo znów powala słuchacza od samego początku na łopatki najazdem bezlitosnej dywizji mocarnych, death/grindowych riffów - jest więc oczywiście bardzo konkretnie, bardzo bezpośrednio, jest świetny growl A.D.Gore’a, ale "I am the war" to już nie tylko pędzenie na pełnych obrotach do przodu na złamanie blastów. To powrót do bardziej chwytliwego, a jednocześnie bardziej surowego, grindowego grania - o wiele ciekawszego rytmicznie i rozwiniętego koncepcyjnie - mimo, że długości utworów dalej oscylują w okolicach dwóch i pół minuty. Można też doszukać się różnych ciekawych smaczków - takich jak choćby marszowy, rwany motyw w tytułowym utworze, gdy wokalista cedzi dobitne "we-con-quer-your-ter-ri-to-ry" i czujesz wtedy jakby defilada piechoty sprężystym krokiem przemaszerowywała przez Twój pokój. Zdecydowanie największe zaskoczenie pojawia się jednak w połowie albumu - w siódmym na liście utworze zatytułowanym "Filth" chłopaki z Pyorrhoea po raz chyba pierwszy w historii tego zespołu tak odważnie sięgają bowiem po… melodie. Nie, wcale nie przemycone gdzieś tam w tle - to jest świadome sięgnięcie pełnymi garściami po melodyjny death o goeteborgskiej proweniencji, które dominuje w zasadzie tylko w tym utworze, ale jako przełamanie całego albumu zagrało to znakomicie. Czy to jest jakiś drogowskaz przyszłego rozwoju muzyki Pyo? Tego nie wiem, ale na pewno jest to znak, że Cyprian z kolegami nie mają teraz większych oporów przed odrzucaniem brutal death/grindowego konformizmu i odważnie wkraczają w rejony, które u ortodoksów mogą jeżyć włos na głowie. I to mi się bardzo podoba.
Brutalny death/thrash w tym wydaniu bardziej wypieszczonym - z wypolerowanym zębem - jak można by nie krzywdząc nikogo powiedzieć. Wystrzeliwane z prędkością karabinu maszynowego, ostre, thrashujące riffy przetykane są albo równo staktowanym, deathowym mieleniem, albo komputerowo precyzyjnymi blastami. Teoretycznie jeden wokalista dwoi się i troi na nakładających się często na siebie ścieżkach w rozmaitych rejestrach - od wściekle plującego growlu po prawe hardcore’owy, napinający muskuły, potok wokalnej agresji, a bębniarz wymierza przy tym precyzyjne co do milisekundy gęste razy. Brzmi to wszystko jak nagrane w Hertzu zderzenie szwedzkiego death/thrash z nowszym obliczem Slayer i jakimś deathowym drugoligowcem i brzmi to wszystko o włos za plastikowo. Co do samych pomysłów na muzykę to Brytole doskonale zdają sobie sprawę kiedy zaczynają nudzić i wiedzą kiedy przełożyć wajchę prędkości na inne rejestry - czasami nawet proponując coś zbliżonego do thrashowej ballady, jak w "Dystopic Visions", ale, jak na mój gust, jest to wszystko jednak zbyt programowo porządne, do bólu profesjonalne, a za mało wyraziste. Krótko po wydaniu tego krążka zespół zawiesił swoją działalność i nie mogę się oprzeć myśli, że chyba miał z tego być podręcznikowy sukces, a wyszedł podkolorowany w photoshopie średniak.
Raging Age pochodzą z bardzo malowniczej miejscowości Bari położonej w południowych Włoszech nad Adriatykiem. We wspaniałych okolicznych jaskiniach, w latach 60-tych Riccardo Freda, ojciec włoskiego horroru, kręcił do swojego "Maciste all’inferno" ujęcia mające ukazać wnętrze piekła, po którym wędrował główny bohater - muskularny Maciste. Wspominam o tym bo trochę żałuję, że młodzieńcy z Raging Age nie sięgnęli do tych mrocznych inspiracji. Co prawda w ich lirykach przewijają się elementy śródziemnomorskiej mitologii, a wytwórnia podciąga ich muzykę pod death metal, ale prawda jest taka, że jest to ten rodzaj ciężkiego grania, gdzie na pierwszym miejscu stawia się ‘groove’, ciężki, ale płytki łomot z wyrównanymi blastami i niesamowicie rozmydlone melodie najgorszego sortu - czyli takie, które ani nie są chwytliwe, ani nie wprowadzają żadnego sensownego klimatu. Jest to typowy przykład totalnego rozminięcia się niezłych umiejętności technicznych z talentem do tworzenia ciekawej, ekstremalnej muzyki. Przypomina mi to choćby nasze krajowe Enter Chaos - czwórka Włochów podobnie przekombinowuje ze strukturami, podobne sili się na agresję produkując nadmiar mniej lub bardziej brutalnych, ale kompletnie nie zazębiających się w solidną całość riffów, mają podobnie nieciekawie growlującego frontmana i podobnie grzęzną w zamulonej, melodyjnej nijakości. Czasami zahaczają o bardziej progresywne rejony z lekko połamanymi strukturami, pojawi się odrobinę bardziej zachęcający kawałek solówki, ale to wszystko za mało. Męczę się słuchając tej płyty, doszukując się na siłę pozytywów. Przycisk ‘stop’ kusi coraz bardziej....
Boy, this is some well-played Death Metal. Similar to Behemoth around the time the band was converting to Death Metal, Hiss from the Moat plays that with the modern added brutality and speed. Damn the drummer is fast. The way his feet are moving, you can’t and shouldn’t try to race him or chase him for anything. He’s fine where he is. He also plays in Hour of Penance. 
Doesn’t each country have one of these by now? In Sweden they have Bewitched and Nifelheim, in Finland there’s Barathrum, Belgium had Demonizer and North America has Skeletonwitch. Drunken heavy/black/thrash metal that gets by more on energy than actual songwriting or, you know, skill. “Into the Alcoholic Abyss” sounds exactly like every one else, but in a subgenre that has been stagnant since its creation – I suppose that’s hardly a fucken fault. At least Pervertor is better and more energetic than Bullet Belt, who are on the same label. The vocals are pretty fucken intense too. Acidic and extremely one-dimensional, but at least they are good. Apparently this band is made up of two brothers with Casey and Shaune Gallagher, which is about where the novelty (haha) with this act ends. I’m not fucken certain how the New Zealand scene is these days, but if Pervertor is any indication it isn’t much to write home about. There’s no way in fucken hell I could possibly tell these songs apart, and the drummer only seems to play one beat for the duration of the album. Either way, this record has a great schwung and a traditional metal backbone, but that’s about it. I can’t possibly fucken fathom anybody being impressed by this, stupid kids excepted. “Into the Alcoholic Abyss” sounds exactly as it title: this is pretty fun stuff when you are hung over and drunk, but once the fucken smoke clears and you sober up, it is not nearly as great as you remember it. Anyway, I’m sure Pervertor are fine folks with enough willing fangirls at their disposal, so it doesn’t really matter one fucken iota what I think about this record anyway, since the most of you have made your mind up any fucken way. This is tolerable stuff, but hardly the sort of thing I will ever listen to again if there are better options available.
Co za debiut! Jestem absolutnie zauroczony tym co zaserwowała ta norweska ekipa i absolutnie nie dziwię się, że Dark Descent nie zwlekała z kontraktem. Dotychczasowe doświadczenie muzyków Sover...
...co do saksofonu to był to przypadek całkowity. Bo idąc coś zjeść do miasta napotkaliśmy kolesia który na ulicy grał na saksofonie. Zagadałem do niego żeby nagrał nam jakieś partie i zgodził się. Oczywiście nie miał pojęcia na co się porwał, do tego komunikacja nie była najlepsza, bo okazał się być obywatelem Ukrainy i język polski nie był dobry albo w ogóle go nie było...